The government is on fire and we are less than a week away from being fed under-cooked turkey by that aunt who thinks cooking wine is the box of white zinfandel you drink while cooking so take a moment and realize that there is crap happening that is so much worse.

• At least it wasn’t Scarlet Johansson.

• Teacher: What’s 2 + 2? Student: Jesus. Teacher: [sighs] correct.

• How about you put down the phone and help me, Linda?!?

• Be right back. Gotta update my resume.

• It ain’t cool to be a jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving!

• “I would like new tips and some new pants.”

• This IOU is not on fire. YOU’RE WELCOME.

• Welcome to the Hotel Hazel-nutta…

• Eat me? No. BITE ME!

To end our journey through hell I will present you with some uplifting stories about dogs, who I like a LOT more than 99% of…