By Chuck Valley

Tom Cruise plays Capt. Pete “Maverick” Mitchell and Miles Teller plays Lt. Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw in Top Gun: Maverick from Paramount Pictures, Skydance and Jerry Bruckheimer Films.

In the run-up to watch “Top Gun: Maverick,” I prepared myself like anyone else would by watching the original “Top Gun.” And while, granted, this is not a review of the 1986 classic, there is something to be said about the impression I got from watching it now, firmly ensconced in my adulthood, and how it compares to Maverick. For context, I hadn’t seen Top Gun in a good 20 years (with the exception of a snippet here and there on network tv while channel surfing faster than Hamm in Toy Story). Also (for context-slash-disclaimer) I was never the biggest Top Gun fan – the formula for the movie relies on tropes, clichés, a Deus Ex Goose to violently thrust…

Don’t know if Facebook told you or not but there’s an election wrapping up in the US today, and for a lot of us it is the most stressful and consequential election in our lifetimes. So take a moment, step away from Nate Silver’s panic sweats, and join me in an oasis of election-free dumbassery.

• Sounds to me like he got his money’s worth.

• THIS is where I want my tax dollars going from now on.

• Well, he’s no Hannibal Lecter.

• I know you’re partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn’t rise and set on the corner grocery.

• No Stairway?!? Denied!

• If the bar is a rockin’…it’s probably trespassing.

• Nothing but respect for MY Queen.

• Still better than eating kale.

• Whoever had “murderous caterpillars” on their 2020 bingo card come on down and collect your winnings.

• HOW DID IT TAKE 3 TIMES FOR HIM TO BE FIRED?!?!?

hurm…

Let’s just get into the insanity, shall we?

• I always thought we should avoid eating the yellow AND the brown snow.

• No, I didn’t say “Greenpeace”.

• Stealthy shoguns steal sumo-sized safe.

• If you apply for the grant you are automatically disqualified from winning it.

• Sometimes “raise the roof” ain’t just about how dads “get down on the dance floor”.

• Surprise surf-n-turf.

• I for one have no plans to help renovate the horror section of this library.

That does it for this week. As always, if you see something WTF-worthy hit me up in the comments or find me on Twitter.

It’s Wednesday. Russia is actively f***ing w/our elections AGAIN. The world is still on fire, and for some damn reason there’s like 12 “Real Housewives” shows. We’re just waiting on the chosen one to choose the door to save Zion and restart the simulation, so let’s do it with more evidence that the glitches in the Matrix are getting worse.

• Was this one of those 23 dimensions of compatibility?

• 11 herbs and spices AND toe cheese? YUM.

• No, Dennis. You are totally allowed to say it. In fact I’d like to invite you to Baltimore to come say it to all of my neighbors.

• “Hello officers. I would like to report that I have found the goodest boy. Me. Please return me to my hoomans now.

• Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!

Okay. Back to the grind, but make sure you join us next week for more WTF-ery. And…

Beating back the abyss with internet stupidity.

• Swipe left, chew twice.

• Am I the only one who is honestly surprised this didn’t happen in Florida.

• Listen! You smell that?

• Tea leaves are so 2019.

• I can’t drive 55 (and take my pants off at the same time).

• “How would you like your steak?” “Steel belted.”

• Taking this “We’re your neighborhood gas station” thing a bit too far.

• Maybe she’s born with it…

Okay. Back under my rock for a week. If you see anything you think should be in next week’s Weekly WTF drop me a note in the comments below or hit me up at @arrpeebee.

So…what are YOU doing this weekend?

It’s been a few weeks since I posted. Not due to a lack of WTF-ery, only because too much life got in the way. I have returned, however, with some morsels with which to gird your metaphorical loins as you prepare to see the family members you *have* to see this time of year. Here’s hoping this will help. Now, without further ado…

• In his defense those rental car late fees are no joke.

• Better stock up on vibranium now because the cost is about to skyrocket.

• You can’t spell “Ho! Ho! Ho!” without “Hoot”.

• Whatever happened to bread and circuses?

• I like George Carlin’s 7 dirty words much better.

• We have the meats!

• I can almost afford this.

• I really want to see the online job listing for this position.

I will end my article with my gift to you. For those of…