Messiahs aren’t allowed to improvise.

Don’t put Pop Rocks on your penis. Apparently that is why they are banned in Australia.

You’d think that it would be a given to not put exploding sugar on your reproductive organs, but Australia is basically Japan on a dare.

Check out D3 friend Phillip Figglebottom making it to the big time! http://ow.ly/DzQKW

Dr. Strange’s real 1st name is “Gettinsome” #MarvelPhase3Reveals

Honey BooBoo is the great great granddaughter of Porkins #StarWars7PlotLeaks

^D3 We don’t have any welfare pumpkins here! #rehearsalquotesoutofcontext

^D3 ‘I twist my nipples for Jesus!’ #rehearsalquotesoutofcontext

I actually find it kind of sad that I have never loved anything as much as Ickey Woods loves cold cuts.

My dulcet tones make the ladies feel splendiferous in their lady quadrants.

Ebola & Taylor Swift are both trending on Twitter. There is NO WAY that is a coincidence #TaylorSwiftIsPatientZero