We’re all gonna be indoors for a while so here’s the best of what’s out there (that we cannot experience ourselves right now).

• I prefer my Wild Turkey in a bottle, thank you very much.

• Cougars are still out, looking for fresh young meat.

• I love dogs but I don’t know if this is the motivation I need to get another one.

• I honestly expected this number to be a lot higher.

• “It’s a race! It’s a chase! Hurry up and displace your hip!”

• Finally someone is answering the important questions!

• “And now we’ll go to Deion with the ‘Aww HELL Naw!'”

• This is what happens when you use Faithbook Live.

• I am all about this March of the Penguins reboot.

• This is a Mad-Libs level headline.

• Okay. NOW I want another dog.

Okay. That’s it for now. Stay inside, but if you must go out practice safe social distancing…

It’s Wednesday. Russia is actively f***ing w/our elections AGAIN. The world is still on fire, and for some damn reason there’s like 12 “Real Housewives” shows. We’re just waiting on the chosen one to choose the door to save Zion and restart the simulation, so let’s do it with more evidence that the glitches in the Matrix are getting worse.

• Was this one of those 23 dimensions of compatibility?

• 11 herbs and spices AND toe cheese? YUM.

• No, Dennis. You are totally allowed to say it. In fact I’d like to invite you to Baltimore to come say it to all of my neighbors.

• “Hello officers. I would like to report that I have found the goodest boy. Me. Please return me to my hoomans now.

• Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!

Okay. Back to the grind, but make sure you join us next week for more WTF-ery. And…

WE MADE IT THROUGH A WHOLE MONTH!

I’m a little sad because The Good Place is over. It’s rare that you get to watch a perfect show as it happens. So to keep it sleazy this WTF is totally Good Place-based.

• “I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.”

• “Man, it’s hot. But it’s a dry heat.”

• “You humans take something wonderful and ruin it just a little bit so you can have more.”

• “Principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them.”

• “Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. How does anyone do anything when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?”

• “Everyone here thinks I’m Taiwanese. I’m Filipino. That’s racist. Heaven is so racist.”

• “Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a…

Beating back the abyss with internet stupidity.

• Swipe left, chew twice.

• Am I the only one who is honestly surprised this didn’t happen in Florida.

• Listen! You smell that?

• Tea leaves are so 2019.

• I can’t drive 55 (and take my pants off at the same time).

• “How would you like your steak?” “Steel belted.”

• Taking this “We’re your neighborhood gas station” thing a bit too far.

• Maybe she’s born with it…

Okay. Back under my rock for a week. If you see anything you think should be in next week’s Weekly WTF drop me a note in the comments below or hit me up at @arrpeebee.

So…what are YOU doing this weekend?

It’s been a few weeks since I posted. Not due to a lack of WTF-ery, only because too much life got in the way. I have returned, however, with some morsels with which to gird your metaphorical loins as you prepare to see the family members you *have* to see this time of year. Here’s hoping this will help. Now, without further ado…

• In his defense those rental car late fees are no joke.

• Better stock up on vibranium now because the cost is about to skyrocket.

• You can’t spell “Ho! Ho! Ho!” without “Hoot”.

• Whatever happened to bread and circuses?

• I like George Carlin’s 7 dirty words much better.

• We have the meats!

• I can almost afford this.

• I really want to see the online job listing for this position.

I will end my article with my gift to you. For those of…

The government is on fire and we are less than a week away from being fed under-cooked turkey by that aunt who thinks cooking wine is the box of white zinfandel you drink while cooking so take a moment and realize that there is crap happening that is so much worse.

• At least it wasn’t Scarlet Johansson.

• Teacher: What’s 2 + 2? Student: Jesus. Teacher: [sighs] correct.

• How about you put down the phone and help me, Linda?!?

• Be right back. Gotta update my resume.

• It ain’t cool to be a jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving!

• “I would like new tips and some new pants.”

• This IOU is not on fire. YOU’RE WELCOME.

• Welcome to the Hotel Hazel-nutta…

• Eat me? No. BITE ME!

To end our journey through hell I will present you with some uplifting stories about dogs, who I like a LOT more than 99% of…

Welcome to the internet.

Sorry that I missed last week. My personal WTF prevented me from sharing the WTF of the world. But let’s get into this:

• In space no one can hear you dilate.

• I want to get my antlers frosted.

• I do not like your cobra chickens.

• That is *not* what they meant by “spread the love”.

• Now I can’t even swipe right!

• This man is my spirit animal.

• The count is one strike and one ball.

After that last one I need to take a break so I will leave you now. But I will be back next week for another dose of inanity and stupidity. If you see anything WTF-worthy hit me up in the comments or find me on Twitter as @arrpeebee.